December 01, 2010

James 5:16 Confessing My Sins

I was trying to start a new devotional with my 13 yr old son this morning, and only got so far before I started crying. It got so bad that I couldn't start again, I had to move it over to him and tell him to read as I walked away to try to calm myself. I feel distant from God again, and I am an emotional person, so this was getting the better of me. It took several moments to calm myself in my room. After I explained to him why I was so upset, I gave him a hug, we prayed, and I helped him finish getting his stuff ready for school, help find a hat, etc.
When he left, I just broke down. I cried out again, couldn't see through my tears, and made my way to my bed. I had the sense to kneel, but He knows my knee problem and I am sure will forgive me.
So there I sat on the edge of my creaky bed, crying my eyes out, praying hard, out loud. I felt the urge to pick up my bible and look up 'conviction'. What I found was 'confession'. I turned to the two personally written excerpts from biblical teachers in the Women's Study Bible I have in my bedroom. They talked about confessing your sins to God, admitting what you know of your sins, asking him to show you other sins you have committed, and then confessing them to another human being. (James 5:16 - Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.)
After crying it out, I was convicted by him about staying online too long playing games, and not spending time in his word which was sent to us from him to be read on a daily basis, sometimes all day if we fear trouble from satan.
What I was led to do next made me nervous - I was told to blog it. So here I sit, typing out my conversation (my crying) to him, and admitting my sins to you, whoever you might be.

(This first sentence is rough, but it was said)

I don't understand how a piece of crap like me could be allowed into your kingdom, but I want to be there. I want to go to heaven. I want to be with you. God, I need your help. I am so lost, so far from you right now. I have felt disconnected from you so long. I am a daily sinner. I stay online too long and I don't stay in your word like I should, your word that you sent to us to read. I know that I am a liar, I know that I still think about stealing (and I thank him that I do not act on that feeling). I know that I have lusted in my heart. I need your forgiveness. I need your love and I need your safety. I want your Holy Spirit to be in me. Please show me the sins that I do not know I am committing and help me face them and overcome them. Always keep me safe from satan, I do not want him in charge of my life. It is you I want in my life first, before everything else. I want to be reminded that I am to ask you first before I do anything. You are the one to be prayed to first before I make any decisions regarding anything in my life. I am to ask you what is to be done. I am to pray to you for comfort, for help, for peace, for love. God, you are the beginning and the end. I am to remember this, every moment of every day. Please help me. Please love me. Please forgive me. Please stay close so I can always feel you. I feel so scared sometimes like you have left me but I know you haven't. I know you are right here looking over me; understanding, forgiving, loving. I wish I could be just like that. I want so much to be like you. Oh, God, I love you, I love you, I love you. Thank you, Amen.

1 comment:

Miss Slick One said...

By the way, the morning devotionals have not stopped : )