How to Take Back Your Parenting Powers
I am about to share with you 5 quick fixes to take back your parenting powers. These powerful ideas may seem simple to apply. However, if your situation requires extra attention, or you try my fixes and they are not working for you, please email me or call and I will be glad to arrange a free phone consultation.
If you’re at your wits end, feeling depleted, exhausted and drained of your energy because of the constant tests you’ve been getting from your child or children, I hear you! And I want you to know that your're not alone. Millions of Americans and parents all around the world are facing similar challenges. Some more extreme, and some a bit milder than what you my be facing.
You love your child. You want them to be as great as you know they can be. You want them to grow up healthy and with their head on straight. But, somewhere along the line they got "derailed" and started on a path that has led to tremendous stress and anxiety for everyone. Pick your poison. Is your child:
And the harder you try to control the situation, the more out of control things get. Maybe they get better for a very brief time (and you hope it will stay this way), but it never lasts and the next big blow up is always just around the corner.
In this Special Report you will learn 5 specific things you can do to quickly take back your parenting powers and defuse your child’s unproductive and negative behavior.Plus, you’ll also...
Set Up Expectations
Watch Out for negativity
Provide nurturance and guidance
Listen for feelings
Joey scream at and talks back to his parents all the time. He is constantly picking fights with his younger brothers. He is so angry that Mom is afraid that he is scaring the other children and she hates to admit it but she is often afraid of him, too. How horrible, to be afraid of your own son! Mom and Dad have been around and around with trying to fix this. They have talked to numerous professionals, tried therapy and even medications for the son.
Here is Their Story
Last year, mom took Joey to a therapist. He went to the appointments (more like she dragged him to the appointments). The therapist told mom that he doesn’t talk and there is not much he can do with him in Joey won’t talk in the sessions. The therapist told mom to take Joey to an MD because maybe he is depressed, or bi-polar.
SO, mom followed the therapist’s advice, took Joey to the MD, and the MD prescribed 3 different medications. Mom had to fight with Joey every day to take the medications and if that weren’t bad enough, Joey seemed worse. Instead of acting angry he wouldn’t come out of his room. Mom cancelled the next appointment with the MD and stopped giving Joey the medications. Within 2 weeks Joey started up with the loud angry outbursts. Living this way was taking a toll on the entire family. Mom is even noticing that she and Dad are fighting more and no one in the family is talking to each other. It is like everyone is hiding out!
Does this situation sound at all familiar to you? Have you tried everything you know to improve your child’s behavior only to find yourself going around in circles and becoming more and more frustrated?
Read on and I will show you how in 5 easy steps you can take back your parenting powers!
The 5 Quick Fixes
Parenting Fix #1 - Commanding Respect
Angry kids are not going to cooperate, therefore, YOU must put a stop to back talk, interrupting, face making and other negative body language.
Well, you say, "Easier said than done!"
Actually, it is simple. The glitch is that it takes consistency and a poker face from you. Every time your child engages in one of these negative behaviors, you have to block him/her.
You ask, "EVERY TIME? ARE YOU CRAZY?" "How do I do this?"
Here’s the DRILL:
You say to your son or daughter: "Do not speak to me that way." Or “Do not interrupt me.” Or “Do not make that face.”
AND the glitch, you have to keep saying it until s/he stops and you must remain calm and not give up until s/he stops the behavior...
I guarantee you, that if you keep repeating one of these sentences to your child, with your poker face on, s/he will stop. They will be so shocked, a. that you are following through, and b. that you are not looking or sounding angry.
You are commanding respect.
You need to be ON 100%. Do not let this behavior slide. So pick a day that you are rested and in fairly good spirits, have someone you can call for support if you feel yourself caving...and carry on COMMANDING RESPECT, you deserve it! Don’t you?
Parenting Fix #2 - Setting up Expectations
WARNING! Do not attempt #2 until you have mastered #1.
Good. Now you have his/her attention and respect. Let’s talk about setting up
expectations. You do not want your son/daughter hurting or threatening your other children.
Spell it out. Tell him/her directly that this is unacceptable behavior.
Then tell him/her what the consequence will be if this happens.
The glitch? YOU have to follow through with the consequence.
A word about consequences:
Don’t overdo them. Grounding your child for a month will be more of a hardship for you than for your kid. Remember, you will have to see that face day in and day out, begging you to reconsider.
Think of a consequence that is swift and logical. I personally like restitution in cases like this. An example, would be to do something nice for, with the person that you hurt.
(Maybe take over one of their chores or help them with their homework).
*The key to Setting Up Expectations is to make this a meaningful and teachable moment!
Parenting Fix #3 - Watch out for Negativity
How do you speak to your child? Do you feel angry and resentful about their behavior?
Do you feel that all you focus on is the negative?
Then Stay With ME!
Let’s try something new. Here we go:
80% of the time you will focus on your child’s strengths. That only leaves 20% negativity. How does that sound? It is all in the way you phrase it.
“Joey, I know you are trying really hard to control your temper and I see you catching yourself when you begin to lose it. Is there anything I can do to help you?”
You are encouraging that he is trying while also offering support and help. This will give him motivation and incentive to try even harder.
A word about overprotection:
This does not mean not letting him do the things he wants. Overprotection means that you make excuses for his behavior even though he is out of control. Another word is enabling. If you find yourself blaming others or the school this does not mean you are being positive toward your child. It means that you are letting him off the hook.
*Remember, decreasing negativity towards your child has a direct effect on eliciting more positive behaviors!
Parenting Fix #4 - Provide Nurturance and Guidance
Respect for others:
Teach your child concern for others. Tell him/her how you feel when s/he talks back, calls you names, ignores your requests. Let him/her know that his/her actions affect other people and give him/her examples of this.
“Joey, when you ignore me, my feelings get hurt.”
Demonstrate the skill of 'Problem Solving.' Show your child how to process a situation and then get to a resolution.
“Joey, let’s sit down together and talk about what it will take to improve the way we speak to each other.”
Hold your child accountable for the expectations and the rules that you have
“Joey, how will I know that you have completed the chores that I asked you to do?”
Share stories of when you were younger and what you learned from your own experiences. Kids love to hear about Mom's and Dad's childhood.
Make a connection:
Connect with your child. Make eye contact at least 10 times daily with your child. Ask open ended questions- not questions that can be answered “yes or no”.
*Providing Nurturance and Guidance Creates Loving, Giving and Kind Children
Parenting Fix #5 - Listen for Feelings
Are you ready for the final fix? Look past the content of what your child is expressing. What feelings are you noticing? Anger, Sadness, Disappointment, Resentment, Jealousy, Frustration, Happiness, Joy?
Check in with your child about his/her feelings. Comment on what you see and ask your child if you are reading him/her correctly. Validate his/her feelings.
“I know you are frustrated that your curfew is 11:00PM, do you want to talk about it?”
Be open to negotiating if it feels right to you. You will not be spoiling your child. Remember, s/he has finally given up the power and maybe getting something in return will seal the deal everybody wins!
“Mom, I feel different, everyone else gets to stay out till 11:30PM.”
Respond Clearly and Concisely:
“Joey, I would be willing to do that but this is what I need from you:
1. Tell me where you are going.
2. Call me if you change locations.
3. Do not arrive even 1 minute after 11:30PM
Can you do this? And remember, Joey, if you are even 1 minute late you will not go out next Saturday night.”
*Listening for feelings creates connection and bonding and love, love, love!
SO, Mom and Dad, You made it!
Once you have gone through these 5 fixes you will be a more confident parent, with a more peaceful home and a much better relationship with your child. Are you up to the challenge to help your child get back on the right path?
Are you ready to take back the power?
As I stated in the beginning of this Special Report, some situations may not be fixed so easily and quickly.
In families where there is:
Guilt about Blended Families
Our Own Needs to Get Love and Approval from our Children
Alcohol and Drug Use
Please email or call me for a consulation if you have any of the above going on. Let's get together and make a plan on how you, too, can take your parenting power back.
Here’s What I’ve Developed to Help You Have Well Behaved Kids…
Book: “Taking Back Your Parenting Power System: How to get control of your kids in 30 days or less: The secret formula to powerful parenting.” If you are new to the Parenting Powers System and you are looking for a place to start, this parenting book is it. A collection of many articles from meal time to bedtime, from homework to talking back…I have put together a manual that you can use raising your child from 3 to 18.
Susan P. Epstein, LCSW, Parent Coach
Please contact me with any questions...
Phone: 860.437.0233 (Connecticut)