HILARIOUSNESS (a book I'm writing)

HILARIOUSNESS

Possibly a short story...

by

Phyllis Adelle Sherer

04-16-2020

1.

An intro to my extro

While others are briskly walking across the top of my window that looks out onto the New York streets, I contemplate why I am not out there with them. I am an extrovert, afterall. So why am I just sitting here, chin in one hand, pen in another, looking at their horrible choice of walk-wear?

(Picture Laverne & Shirley's place. Yea, that's me. But alone. And I don't work in a brewery, I'm a writer.)

2.

Personably Personal

...in other words, Nunya

Four days ago, March 3rd, someone dropped a rock as large as a kitten outside my window. I guess it bounced against the glass, because as soon as I heard that odd noise, I ran to the front room thinking someone was going to break in and drop down into my living room!

No one was seemingly standing still, thinking about breaking in. Nope, just everyone walking briskly as always. Odd, maybe someone threw it from across the street? Maybe some kid dropped it out a window above me?

Hold up, there's "Governor" Amelia, the tiny Chinese woman who runs the restaurant across the street, wheeling her cart very slowly up the sidewalk while her Chinese Crested tries so hard to keep up because he's older than she is and walks even slower! I'll ask her if she saw anything. She's been here so long, and tells everyone what to do and not do, that she was Christened the nickname "Governor" by the locals. It only takes one hint of an ear yearning for gossip, for her to spill the beans!

Self, I haven't been here long, only about 27 years, still an outsider, according to the neighbors. But she knows everything and everyone.

I pop on some flip flops and try not to trip myself running up the stairs to catch Amelia. John Denver, it's still cold! I truly hate this weather.

Out of breath and trying not to have a heart attack, or scare Amelia by sounding like a creeper, I gently yell her name before I get too close to her.

She turns around, and with a huge grin, grabs me in the smallest but tightest bear hug ever experienced. And now I have to pee.

" 'Express'! How are you. I have good food today, plenty of fish and noodles. You want, of course!" It was a statement, not a question. She knows me well. She's dubbed me "Express" because it only takes me one minute to pop across to her restaurant in the ally of my building. I enter through the side door since I am also the one who cares over her weird-looking dog when Amelia isn't feeling well.

"Thanks, not right now."

Well, maybe.

"Did you see anyone drop a rock at my window?", I ask.

"A rock? No. I not see. Was not me."

"Alright. I figured one of the kids dropped it out a window. I'm just happy mine isn't cracked."

"Is too cold for crack window!" she says.

"Yep", I reply, looking at her cart and smelling the fresh-bought market fish she'll be preparing shortly... "Annnd, yes, I would love some noodles and fish since I'm out. I'll see you at the restaurant in a minute. I'm going to go grab a newspaper."

"Ohh kayyyy", she says holding up her index finger, "see soon!".  She's so stinking cute.

Back in my apartment, I am extremely happy with my white fish, Chinese vegetables and scrumptious noodles. She has a way with a sauce that makes you want to eat the cardboard bowl it was served in.

"Mrs. Cho," I asked her years ago, "what's in this sauce, it's amazing!"

She replied, without cracking a smile, "I tell, I kill." No truer words were ever spoken! Luckily, she loves me now, and her serious reply is one I have adopted over the years. I say it other people when they ask for my caramel brownie recipe! In all honestly, it's the only baking recipe I know.

Pen in my writing hand, (fun fact - I'm ambidextrous), I start to jot notes about 'coordinates' and ocean terms, and a few possible names for my future fictional haunted boat... or ship... I haven't decided yet. "And I'm sure not telling YOU, Apartment! No secrets are allowed to leave this room!", I said aloud as I wiggled my finger at any non-visible eyes. So there.

Whoopsie, I forgot about the rock. My mouth was busy enjoying this amazing food and my mind was trying to wrap around 'boat ghostings'! Hmm, there's an interesting title... I donned my flip flops yet again and head back up the stairs. Sucking in some fresh smoggy air, I look around nonchalantly, kicked a couple of little leaves on the ground, then zipped to my window, grabbed the rock, and hightailed it back down my stairwell.
Back inside, I look at it closely, decide to wash the NY grime off of it, and as I'm doing so, I notice that it has several sharp edges, and just looks weird, mostly blah-brown but with blueish tones throughout. It does not belong in NYC, of that, I'm sure. "I conclude it fell from the sky", I exclaimed aloud, to my apartment, who couldn't care less. Yep, that's what I'm sticking with. It dropped out of a plane or a bird dropped it... no, wait, this sucker is probably too heavy. That wouldn't make sense.
A plane. Yep. An island hopper or a helicopter, maybe! One of those that you can sit on the inside of with your feet hanging out - like snipers.
It has a few 'fingerprints' dips in it, and the edges look chiseled. The blue is intriguing. I almost want to drop it hard and crack it open to see what's inside, like maybe a geode! I decide to put it to my ear and HOLY CRAP! A piercing sound shatters through my brain so loud, that I actually drop the rock and fell backward across my breakfast table! "What in the hell was THAT?!" Closing my eyes and shaking my head, I slowly stand back up and peer down, but the rock was anywhere obvious. I get down on my hands and knees and follow a yellow trail of air that pulses through and across to the other side of the room!

3.

Ohhhhhkay, thaaaat's weird...

I have never seen anything like this IN MY LIFE! Since when does color sit in the air and PULSE?! And why was this rock emitting it?!

...to be continued...